so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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