I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm passing your future prison.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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