Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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