Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
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I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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