my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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