yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
