Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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