You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
