she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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