matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
