Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
