I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
