You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
