did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?