i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....