I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!