why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk