I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
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well in DOG beers, i've only had one
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.