I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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