is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
