Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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