i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
