you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
