I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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