There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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