I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
