Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
