moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
