dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
