Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
