what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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