She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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