I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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