I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
