Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
