Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
