: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
