I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
