Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship