Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.

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(410): I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot. http://tfl.nu/03m3

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(925): View more from California

you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.

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(925): you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes. http://tfl.nu/km2x

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(631): Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america http://tfl.nu/n1lq

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(413): They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket. http://tfl.nu/y613

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine

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(+44): I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine http://tfl.nu/3ins

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(443): Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him http://tfl.nu/oz4m

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(483): View more from

Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?

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(483): Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she? http://tfl.nu/qpva

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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(412): I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night http://tfl.nu/c70m

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m

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(315): View more from New York

After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.

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(315): After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was. http://tfl.nu/s812

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(415): View more from California

i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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(415): i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus. http://tfl.nu/s77k

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(949): View more from California

You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.

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(949): You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on. http://tfl.nu/pfvu

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(503): View more from Oregon

I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.

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(503): I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20. http://tfl.nu/9ljc

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it

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(701): He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it http://tfl.nu/1dio

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've created a new STD.

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(330): i've created a new STD. http://tfl.nu/t8hp

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