u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
