I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I will pee on everything he values.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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