I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I cockslap morals
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
