your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
