2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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