I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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