I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
