I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
