I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
