There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
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Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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