I want to have your abortion
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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