a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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