I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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