he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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