I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
