she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
