If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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