the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
