my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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